big leaps and no faith
First of all, my internet connection really hates Tumblr. I have to reset it every time I punch in this damn URL. Boo.
But I just have to write because it’s what I do. I unleash the beast all over my blog.
I complain about my family a lot. They aren’t perfect. At times I’m so enraged with them that I’d like to drop off the map and leave them in the dust. I’m frustrated as hell that I don’t have a support system in my Mom and Dad. I’m frustrated as hell that my Stepmom has no tact and constantly reminds me that I’m too afraid to change and that if only I was bolder I would have no problems in my life. I’m frustrated that my closest friends are all over the country doing things with their lives while I’m repeating a routine that I hate. I’m frustrated that I have terrible anxiety about making a leap in my life even though I can’t stand where it’s going now. I’m sick of people telling me I’m too “this” or “that.”
I need emotional support and that is something my immediate family has never provided, mostly because they’re not emotionally stable themselves. My father is an angry alcoholic, my mother is perpetually depressed, and my stepmother knows all the right things to say to make you feel like shit about yourself. Yes I’m smart, yes I’m capable, but you know what? I’ve been depressed. I’ve had the eating disorder. I’ve felt suicidal. And I don’t think it’s because I’m crazy. I think it’s because I just feel like nobody really cares. I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn’t dent anybody’s existence. Having no strong home base, I’ve always leaned a little too much on my friends but that just feels wrong. I don’t want to be a burden on somebody that’s moving in the right direction, and the older I get the more I feel that way. But I don’t want to be alone either. I just want somebody to listen when I say “I’m really hurt about this.” I’m emotional and I’ve been taught that I have to smother it. But it doesn’t change. I feel a lot and that’s the way it is. It’s rough and I can only keep so much of it contained. Saving face only works for so long with me. I have to say what I’m feeling eventually.
That all said, I really feel a lot of love from my extended family. I have an Aunt and a couple Uncles that really seem to understand that I don’t have the support I need and they want to help. This past weekend my Uncle visited from Wisconsin and made a completely sincere offer for me to move in with him and let him help me get a new job and start taking classes. When we had a family BBQ and my stepmom started making her shitty comments, he was ready with praise. He told me I’m a brilliant writer and so bright and that he understands how easy it is to get stuck and how hard it is to make change. He said “Come up and visit for a weekend and just feel it out.” I’m really thinking about it. I just feel that there’s nothing for me here. Every time I try to take a step forward something arbitrary sends me flying a mile backward. Doing it all on my own is just not working out at the moment. And really, I just need a hand to hold when it gets rough. I don’t need somebody to pay my bills and buy my groceries. I just need someone to say “You can do this” instead of “What haven’t you done this already?”
Well I’ll stop now because I have to. Time is short and I’m getting VERKLEMPT.
It’s just nice to feel like you’re not failing at everything. It’s nice to hear that.